Chapter 43- The Importance of Ribs

This is the unedited version of the chapter I wrote for Singlehood: Redefined (published by DPI). The chapter explored some thoughts on our relationships with the opposite sex. I hope its helpful to you:

 The last I looked in my local bookstore there were plenty of books on relationships. The problem is most if not all of them seemed to have the same bottom line: how to find “the one”. I don't remember ever seeing a book entitled “How to Just Be Her Friend” and frankly who among us would think to look for that book? I have found that our perspective and insight on how to relate to the opposite sex is widely driven by the fundamental goal of finding our companion. It is a pervasive attitude in the world and it is a pervasive mentality in a singles ministry. I had a friend who shared with me once that after every date with someone new she would come back and pronounce to her roommates “Well, it wasn't a love connection.” I myself am guilty of mentally attaching my last name to sisters I barely know or just met. And indeed we can feel guilt or embarrassment over this line of thinking. There is a great deal of confusion over how to interact in our friendships with the opposite sex shaped in part by the world and also our own church culture.

Fortunately, because we are made new in Christ, we have the opportunity and the privilege of redefining what those relationships look like. We can appreciate the nuances and celebrate our differences instead of being frustrated by them and resigning ourselves to just never being understood or able to understand each other. Our friendships have the opportunity to have richer meaning and become more valuable to us than anything the world has to offer. His ultimate goal is to restore our relationship with Him. Each one of our relationships is training ground for drawing closer to Him and our life as a single adult has its own unique lessons that God wants to teach us.

The first step we must take is gaining a clear understanding of how God designed us individually and relationally. Genesis 2:15 says “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Then in verse 18 it goes on to say “...It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” It's clear from these verses that God designed man and woman to be complimentary to each other in order to fully realize their humanity. We are drawn to each other because God created us to need each other. That is important to note because as long as we remain in the singles ministry we must acknowledge that attraction as a fundamental force which influences our relationships. Unfortunately, that model was broken when sin entered the world . We have to deal with ourselves in our fallen state. We are broken and are desperately trying to reconcile ourselves back to each other and God's original design. This broken world and even Hell itself is working hard to separate that which God wants to bless. Fortunately God has made provision for us to be healed from that brokenness. Trusting that God has a reason to foster and develop our relationship with women will open us up to seeing new and exciting things about His personality and being.

French author Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” This sentiment articulates not only romance but the love that Jesus ignites within his body, the church. As Hebrews 12:1 says, we are “surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.” We are engaged in a common pursuit to know God and make his love known and we are not alone. I have found this especially true when I think of my friendships with women. What has made the most difference in cultivating those lasting, meaningful relationships is simply being in the battle with them. Take the opportunity to celebrate your life as a single with each other. That includes sharing in the joys and the hardships (Romans 12:15).

There are a few things that have helped me to build healthy friendships with the women in my life. The first is vulnerability. A friend once said to me “I appreciate hearing what guys think and feel because it connects them to me”. Women are God-designed to nurture and support. When a man can express himself emotionally to a woman it communicates trust and safety and invites them to live within that design. This is exemplified in the way Jesus himself interacted with women. In Luke 10, Mary sits at his feet to listen. He found someone who was eager to hear. While its important to maintain openness in any relationship, women just have that unique aptitude for empathy. They are excellent listeners. As he admonished Martha, Jesus was calling attention to the relational qualities of God. He desires to listen to us and he wants us to spend time with Him.

Something else I feel is essential for building great friendships lies in a core need for men. The need to be needed. When I exercise my God-given responsibility to be a protector and provider, it fulfills me relationally. This can be as simple as a woman asking me to fix something or allowing me to open the door for her or even asking me for advice. Guys, do yourself a favor and make yourself available.

As you explore these elements in your relationships, its also very important to be aware of yourself and establish boundaries. As is the case in any situation, we can let the pendulum swing to the other extreme. In the name of preventing our relationships from being superficial we can overstep some emotional boundaries that hinder us from maintaining healthy relationships. This is due to the mere fact that we are still operating under God's law of attraction. Many times as singles we strive to fulfill needs within our friendships that can only be met within the confines of the marriage relationship. As a result we are left at best with mixed messages and at worst broken hearts. Again, communication is critical. It can be frightening to communicate boundaries because we fear that the friendship we have will diminish. We grow comfortable with whatever dynamic we've established and to introduce boundaries can appear to threaten that comfort. My best, most solid relationships have been strengthened by being real and open with where we are at in our friendship.

And lastly, have fun! Being single has the amazing benefit of a particular freedom which allows us to explore and discover things about God and each other. Take advantage of that. Whatever that may mean to you, whether its dates or group dinners or road trips, go and make memories. “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10 ESV). Have a lot of grace with each other because in the end we are all just working it out and we're in the same battle together.

My friendships with women have taught me and revealed to me aspects of God I could not have clearly seen in my guy friendships. More often than not it has been messy. Feelings have been hurt and, yes, there are some close relationships that have faded due to time and circumstance and space. But is that a bad thing? No, I have come to realize it just is. The question is have I grown because of them? Undoubtedly. This is an important distinction because where the world's perspective treats relationships like articles of clothing, wearing them for a season to suit their needs and then discarding them as they grow out of them, we as Christians know every friendship God puts in our lives has meaning and plays a special role in drawing us closer in our relationship to Him.