Chapter 43- The Importance of Ribs

This is the unedited version of the chapter I wrote for Singlehood: Redefined (published by DPI). The chapter explored some thoughts on our relationships with the opposite sex. I hope its helpful to you:

 The last I looked in my local bookstore there were plenty of books on relationships. The problem is most if not all of them seemed to have the same bottom line: how to find “the one”. I don't remember ever seeing a book entitled “How to Just Be Her Friend” and frankly who among us would think to look for that book? I have found that our perspective and insight on how to relate to the opposite sex is widely driven by the fundamental goal of finding our companion. It is a pervasive attitude in the world and it is a pervasive mentality in a singles ministry. I had a friend who shared with me once that after every date with someone new she would come back and pronounce to her roommates “Well, it wasn't a love connection.” I myself am guilty of mentally attaching my last name to sisters I barely know or just met. And indeed we can feel guilt or embarrassment over this line of thinking. There is a great deal of confusion over how to interact in our friendships with the opposite sex shaped in part by the world and also our own church culture.

Fortunately, because we are made new in Christ, we have the opportunity and the privilege of redefining what those relationships look like. We can appreciate the nuances and celebrate our differences instead of being frustrated by them and resigning ourselves to just never being understood or able to understand each other. Our friendships have the opportunity to have richer meaning and become more valuable to us than anything the world has to offer. His ultimate goal is to restore our relationship with Him. Each one of our relationships is training ground for drawing closer to Him and our life as a single adult has its own unique lessons that God wants to teach us.

The first step we must take is gaining a clear understanding of how God designed us individually and relationally. Genesis 2:15 says “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Then in verse 18 it goes on to say “...It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” It's clear from these verses that God designed man and woman to be complimentary to each other in order to fully realize their humanity. We are drawn to each other because God created us to need each other. That is important to note because as long as we remain in the singles ministry we must acknowledge that attraction as a fundamental force which influences our relationships. Unfortunately, that model was broken when sin entered the world . We have to deal with ourselves in our fallen state. We are broken and are desperately trying to reconcile ourselves back to each other and God's original design. This broken world and even Hell itself is working hard to separate that which God wants to bless. Fortunately God has made provision for us to be healed from that brokenness. Trusting that God has a reason to foster and develop our relationship with women will open us up to seeing new and exciting things about His personality and being.

French author Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” This sentiment articulates not only romance but the love that Jesus ignites within his body, the church. As Hebrews 12:1 says, we are “surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.” We are engaged in a common pursuit to know God and make his love known and we are not alone. I have found this especially true when I think of my friendships with women. What has made the most difference in cultivating those lasting, meaningful relationships is simply being in the battle with them. Take the opportunity to celebrate your life as a single with each other. That includes sharing in the joys and the hardships (Romans 12:15).

There are a few things that have helped me to build healthy friendships with the women in my life. The first is vulnerability. A friend once said to me “I appreciate hearing what guys think and feel because it connects them to me”. Women are God-designed to nurture and support. When a man can express himself emotionally to a woman it communicates trust and safety and invites them to live within that design. This is exemplified in the way Jesus himself interacted with women. In Luke 10, Mary sits at his feet to listen. He found someone who was eager to hear. While its important to maintain openness in any relationship, women just have that unique aptitude for empathy. They are excellent listeners. As he admonished Martha, Jesus was calling attention to the relational qualities of God. He desires to listen to us and he wants us to spend time with Him.

Something else I feel is essential for building great friendships lies in a core need for men. The need to be needed. When I exercise my God-given responsibility to be a protector and provider, it fulfills me relationally. This can be as simple as a woman asking me to fix something or allowing me to open the door for her or even asking me for advice. Guys, do yourself a favor and make yourself available.

As you explore these elements in your relationships, its also very important to be aware of yourself and establish boundaries. As is the case in any situation, we can let the pendulum swing to the other extreme. In the name of preventing our relationships from being superficial we can overstep some emotional boundaries that hinder us from maintaining healthy relationships. This is due to the mere fact that we are still operating under God's law of attraction. Many times as singles we strive to fulfill needs within our friendships that can only be met within the confines of the marriage relationship. As a result we are left at best with mixed messages and at worst broken hearts. Again, communication is critical. It can be frightening to communicate boundaries because we fear that the friendship we have will diminish. We grow comfortable with whatever dynamic we've established and to introduce boundaries can appear to threaten that comfort. My best, most solid relationships have been strengthened by being real and open with where we are at in our friendship.

And lastly, have fun! Being single has the amazing benefit of a particular freedom which allows us to explore and discover things about God and each other. Take advantage of that. Whatever that may mean to you, whether its dates or group dinners or road trips, go and make memories. “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10 ESV). Have a lot of grace with each other because in the end we are all just working it out and we're in the same battle together.

My friendships with women have taught me and revealed to me aspects of God I could not have clearly seen in my guy friendships. More often than not it has been messy. Feelings have been hurt and, yes, there are some close relationships that have faded due to time and circumstance and space. But is that a bad thing? No, I have come to realize it just is. The question is have I grown because of them? Undoubtedly. This is an important distinction because where the world's perspective treats relationships like articles of clothing, wearing them for a season to suit their needs and then discarding them as they grow out of them, we as Christians know every friendship God puts in our lives has meaning and plays a special role in drawing us closer in our relationship to Him.

Chapter 42 (but really 40.5)- Road closed for repair

I found this blog saved to my drafts. Thought I'd publish it to share where I was a year ago.

I have not touched this blog in over a year. Its funny, when I started this blog I had vision and I knew it would be hard. But you never REALLY know how hard until it threatens to cripple you beyond repair. I am recommitting myself to documenting this journey of mine because I do believe that God is a God of ALL healing and reconciliation and His name will be glorified at the end of this story. I have a lot to tell. The past year has been hell and I have had some victories and some spectacular failures. God is indeed restoring a fighting spirit within me and I praise His name because it is an answered prayer. I am not fully healed. And I am realizing that the fullness of God is only realized when we make our way home to Him. In the meantime, he promises an abundant life. Not a happy life or a life without pain. Living abundantly means a life teeming with all the ups and downs that this life has to offer.

I have been watching The Pacific, the story of the campaign to drive back the tyrannical invasion of the Japanese in WWII. In it, they depict soldiers who fight with everything they have on the front line. They have their own terrible losses and their own terrible victories. The writers and actors portray beautifully the soul wrenching agony of what it means to fight for something bigger than you. And there is nothing more agonizing than being wounded in battle and taken out of the fight. Even after all of the horrors, as incomprehensible as it may seem, all you want to do is get back on the front lines with your fellow soldiers and fight.

NEW ENTRY 2/15/13
I stopped in the middle of this post for some reason or another, but what I was trying to convey was that same feeling of wanting to get back into the fight. I remember about that series that the soldiers who were injured couldn't help but want to get back in it even from their hospitable beds. In much the same way, I needed some major healing, but it did not stop me from wanting to move forward and fight for my faith and do the great things that God had prepared me for. I needed to learn surrender. And that is what last year was about for me. It wasn't just learning it. It was God infusing me with it. I think we constantly learn new things about surrender as we go through life. Its a lesson that bears repeating because we can't help but put our trust in ourselves and stop relying on God. I don't believe we will understand full surrender in this life. But oh the sweet joy when we experience those moments when we do.

Chapter 41- The Parable of the Coffee Table

Oh, hello there old friend. It's been a while hasn't it? There have been many things that have kept me away not the least among them my old pals fear and insecurity whom always tend to slum around together and loiter on the same curb of my soul. It's a difficult thing to take a risk. Its an even more difficult thing to make it known and be seen in your trials and obstacles (which is what I choose to call my failures). My story has taken many unexpected twists and I have not known how to write about them. Truth be told I still do not know how to write about them. I lost the thread along the way and started even to doubt that it was God's hand that was writing it. But God is a God of mercy and restoration and I have known healing and refreshing by His hand. He has reached through the fog and assured me that He hears me, that He knows me and that His pen is still scribbling away in His Book of Life of which I am an integral character. I will do my best to record what I have learned in the past few years of my journey while also sharing what it is I am learning at present. It seems I could speak at length and yet I do not even know where to begin. So let me begin with a story about a coffee table.

I love when God speaks to you through unexpected means. Who knew restoring an old coffee table would imprint such a poignant lesson on my heart? A couple months ago I bought something off the hit and miss treasure trove that is craigslist. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with ole craig, but perhaps more on that later. This particular occasion was a good experience. The kind Russian gentleman opened his storage unit and not only did I get a great deal on the item I was looking for but he offered anything else in the unit that may have caught my eye. The first was a globe which I got for a good friend of mine who enjoys traveling the world and the second was a well used coffee table made of sturdy oak. I think it may have been a dining room table converted to a coffee table but nevertheless it was decent looking and I knew we were in need of a coffee table and the guy offered it for $20. Can't beat that. I also thought it would be a great side project for me as I have recently found myself with a lot of free time on my hands (again, more on that later). So we grabbed it and hauled it to my car. It was pretty massive and along the way the side panels kind of tore off and proceeded to fall on my shin and then into my car where it left a nice dent. The thing definitely needed an overhaul.

I began work shortly after and toward the middle of the project it started to dawn on me how much I had in common with this table.  I started to feel as if God was in much the same way restoring me. God saw me and He recognized the value in me. In much the same way I did, He said "That has value! I can see the potential  in him. I have a vision for him and have the perfect place to put him. However, he's not ready to go there yet. He needs a little work first."

The first thing that had to go was the old stain and finish. It was beat up, scuffed, had coffee stains on it. And it wasn't as if I could just paint some new stain over the old. Nope, it would take work to strip the old finish off. I started to think about that stain. This table was a finished product. It had a use and I bet it performed that use well. It probably looked more than decent in its prime. This resonated with me and how I relate to myself, my identity. For years I have associated myself in a particular way. Who I was was defined by my habits, my goals, my passions. My experience developed a particular patina if you will for those familiar with woodwork. It was in essence my stain. A stain had seeped deep into the cracks of  by being. Something that just was. This was just who I was. For better or for worse, this is what I had become. Which may or may not have been a bad thing, but I kept getting the distinct impression that it wasn't all there was about me. However, God makes all things new and its never too late to let Him transform you. But first he must remove the old stain.

I must mention that this whole process was way more involved than I thought it was going to be. I thought, "Sure, I'll just sand it down and put some more stain on it and we're good to go." Then I started looking up the DIYs online and saw it was gonna take a little more work than that. So I grabbed a power sander and sanded off the original finish and stain to get down to the raw, natural wood. Spiritually I could relate as I have been through my own "sanding" and left feeling raw. when God wants to work something out in your life it tends not to be comfortable (Heb 12:11). Within the past couple of years I have had my heart and my dreams shattered. It has not been a fun process. I felt as if things I prayed for and hoped in for a long time were swept away from me. That part of myself or even the whole of myself was being dismantled, deconstructed, stripped down to the raw.

However, that was just the beginning of it. I discovered that you don't just sand something once and then its ready for a new stain. You must sand it again with a finer grain of sand paper so that you smooth out the rough edges. After that, you run your hand over it and say "Yeah ,now that's smooth." But, no, you don't really know what smooth is yet. You go over it again with even finer sand paper. Aren't we guilty of that in our lives? We think "Man, that was rough. But I've endured and persevered and now I'm ready to move forward." And sure enough, something else comes along that refines us even further. And then something else and something else until we're left screaming at God "When will this stop?!" One big lesson that I've learned is that God is not concerned with our comfort. He is concerned with our character. But He does love us and he will do what it takes to really get us smooth and ready for what comes next.

And this is where the stain comes in. Now a good stain will bring to life the natural grains of the wood. It highlights them. Accentuates the natural beauty. Think about that. It augments the glory that is already there. God is an artist and he is always working to make beautiful the things he has created. The piece is just about to be placed where I had envisioned it but first it needs the finish applied which will protect it. We are His "masterpiece created in Christ Jesus to do good works" Eph 2:10. You better believe that He is going to to take his time to fine tune you. Because we will never be done until the last brush stroke, the final chisel when we are with Him in paradise and He embraces us, His favorite creations and says "You have trusted me to build you into the creation I have intended and fulfilled the purpose that I had for you. Well done, good and faithful servant."

The table looks much different than it did before, and in my opinion much better. And that gives me hope because I choose to believe that God is making me into something new that is way better than what I had in mind for myself. To God be the glory