Why is it that no matter how many people tell me how talented they think I am and how much they believe in me I just don't believe them? Yet when somebody critiques the work I do, that's the gospel truth? Is everyone else just a bunch of lying-liarpants? The problem with actors, and I imagine with people in general, is we tend to believe the negative perception of ourselves far more than than positive. We can accept the praise graciously, but deep down we just KNOW it can't be true. They've got it wrong. Their view is flawed or their opinion doesn't count for anything because they don't have the fine pallette of artistic taste to give an accurate review (that's meant to be half-sarcastic).
I can't help thinking about those people who audition for American Idol and when asked they say that friends and family say they're amazing and obviously they are not but don't try to tell them that or they'll curse you out and tell you you have no idea what talent looks like. And then they'll storm out of the room and flip everyone off and proceed to make a small fortune off the micro-fame they receive. Delusional. However, maybe they did have people in their lives who actually enjoyed what they had to offer. There has to be some credit in that. If it brings joy to one person then it brings joy to one person.
I guess what I'm saying is thank you for those of you who have supported me and encouraged me and complimented me and continue to do so. I am not exaggerating when I say that I wouldn't be where I am without you. Not that my whole life and trajectory is dependent on what other people say about me. It reminds me of the scripture when Paul says, "Am I here to please men, or to please God?" But the reinforcement helps. Just last night someone commented on how talented I was and it was REALLY hard to just accept the compliment. They also reminded me that when I refuse to believe them not only do I make them a liar, I make God a liar as well.
By the way, this whole season of my life is springing from me taking my acting career seriously. I am doing a workshop with a casting director right now and my emotions are torn. On one hand, it is THE most insightful and helpful workshop I've taken to date. The casting director actually cares that we get what it takes to succeed and that we take away something important from his class whereas most of these workshops its just go in, do a scene, go home. On the other hand, I don't think I'm making an impression on him at all. Which is disappointing because he's a pretty big time casting director and I'd like to be called in by him sometime. From his feedback, I don't get that he's interested in me at all. I mean, one man's opinion, right? Still...
Anyway, on another note, it's helping me to push more in honing my craft. That is definitely a benefit. It's making me aware of some bad habits I have. I'm not as good as I want to be? Great, start learning how to get there. So, I started acting class by the grace of God. Thanks to my roomie who hooked me up with a great teacher and coach to one of my all time favorite actors, Gary Oldman. I know this class is gonna push me and challenge me and I may very well end up in a puddle of my own tears on more than one occasion. But nothing worth achieving ever comes without a little blood, sweat and tears.
I'll tell you what I'm REALLY looking forward to.... Yosemite, next weekend. Ahhhhhhhh....
OH!! And series finale of LOST tomorrow night! WOOOOT!
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