Chapter 47- Hello Again... Again.

Time to crack open this dusty tome again. 

I am heading into a new venture this year and I thought it might be a good idea to blog again to exercise my brain and brush up my skills. And also to document the process of this new project (more on that later). As I logged into the blog, I found this draft I had started back in 2015 that had not been posted yet. I thought it mildly appropriate to include this in this post:

Fits and starts. That is a pretty accurate description of my life. I definitely know what it looks like to start something. I have been fortunate to finish some of those things. However, it's with the fits that I most identify. As in the ones that that I throw when something is just too frustrating to deal with. They may not manifest in physical outbursts, but I can assure you when I feel that things aren't going my way, inside my head I am all flailing arms and legs and spit and slobber.

Even now, as I sit and wonder what it is I want to say, I feel the frustration creep up and the temptation to throw up my hands and say "Nope!"

Consistency is not a strength of mine. It's been 5 years [now 7 years] since I started this blog. My hope was to chronicle the peaks and valleys of my journey. It kind of fizzled after the first 6 months. To be honest, it was not unexpected. I've recognized this pattern in my life and feared it when I started. But the thing is, looking back, I don't regret having started it. I've had the best intentions of getting back in the saddle over the years and even tried to pick up again. I have asked myself why is it so difficult to stay the course.There are many answers. Disappointment, painful seasons, lack of character [starting families]... The truth is its difficult to stay the course in any endeavor. There are so many things in this life that knock us off course. So many distractions. I know I am not the only one with this struggle.

Those words still ring true for me. My sentiments have not changed much over the past couple of years. However, I think the thing that has changed is my surrender.

Life is a series of surrenders.

There are battles I fight on a daily basis. And as I go from one battle front to the next I put up the white flag every day and most of the time I learn something new about God. Or relearn some lessons from battles I just can't seem to stop fighting.

There is a quote that I came across the other day reading one of my new favorite authors, Brandon Sanderson (no it's not because he has the same name as me). It's from a book called The Way of Kings. Fantastic fantasy fiction! I highly recommend it! It reads:

"No accomplishment has substance nearly as great as the road used to achieve it. We are not creatures of destinations. It is the journey that shapes us."

That is THE reason I started this blog! Because my identity is shaped not by my accomplishments but who I am made into through pursuing them!

I am excited to continue writing about my journey. In the coming weeks, I will endeavor to chronicle the process of writing a book with my good friend Seth Jensen.

 Stay tuned for the victories and the failures....

Chapter 46- The Tom and Jerry Show (aka Life)

I was at my favorite coffee shop today and they always have a fun little gimmick to garner tips. I think it is brilliant, by the way, and I fall for it every time. They put two small buckets in front of the register and post above them two choices and you drop your tip into your vote. For example, one will be DC and the other Marvel, Star Wars vs. Star Trek, Booberry vs. Frankenberry. You get the picture.

Today the choices were Tom vs. Jerry. Now, this has been quite the debate among scholars for decades with valid and poignant arguments on both sides. I'd like to throw my hat into the ring and offer up my valid and poignant argument:

I think Jerry is a little punk!

I know there are many who agree with me in my assessment, but let me elaborate and tell you why...

Tom is a cat. He is a predator. He holds rank at the top of his respective food chain. He shares a bloodline with such noble creatures as lions, tigers and (a personal favorite) jaguars. These beasts are created by God to hunt and they do it well.

Jerry is vermin. He is the prey. He is disease ridden and steals food. HE STEALS FOOD! Ain't nobody gonna steal my food and go unpunished. Yet many people seem sympathetic to "poor Jerry's" plight? What is that?

I lived in a house a while back that had a mess of stray cats basically living under it. We would have seasons of new litters being born under the house and with a each season a new wave of strays to roam the neighborhood. I'm sure it was scandalous in the house pet world. BUT did we have vermin? I can assure you we did not! ( I will say that the cats were ousted later on my a family of raccoons, but that is another story).

What I am saying is that Tom is simply doing what he was created for; what nature has deemed proper and right.

JERRY, on the other hand, is a manipulative, abusive little punk!! He's an instigator and I do not abide instigators.

Now I am aware that this argument has cropped up before. There is a "Leave Tom Alone!" camp. I would like to outline the spiritual significance of this observation.

Let me first point out that Tom belongs. He is the chosen pet. He is meant to be in that house. Jerry, on the other hand, is a pest that lives in the walls. He is certainly not wanted. He is throwing off the equilibrium of the household. Are we beginning to see the correlation here?

If we use Tom as an allegory for our lives and the home as our home on earth, we can then assume then that Jerry is the embodiment of evil that comes to harass and torment us and push into doing some really stupid things.

Yes, Jerry is Satan. I can't think of a better character that personifies the antagonistic nature of our Enemy while garnering the sympathies of the masses. He is an invader in our home and try as we might to live a normal, quiet, God-fearing life, we are continually taunted and tricked by this incessant vermin.

                                                            

Tom's nature as a cat is to eliminate this pest. Yet try as he might, the slippery rodent eludes him and turns his efforts against him resulting in some serious anvil-on-the-head kind of pain. In the same way, we live in a world that is ruled in much the same way that Jerry "rules" Tom's home. The Enemy instigates and antagonizes and prompts reactions from us and left to our own power we respond as we are designed to: we lash out in order to protect what we hold sacred because THAT IS WHAT WE ARE DESIGNED TO DO. However, we let our anger get the best of us and eventually we look around and see that the house we were trying to protect is categorically demolished from floor rug to ceiling fan leaving the Master of the House no choice but to render the consequences for our OWN actions.

Fortunately for us, we have something that Tom does not. We have Jesus. We have an example of what it looks like to direct our God-given nature to protect in healthy and loving ways. Instead of bringing the house down around our ears, destroying relationships, causing pain to ourselves, we can rely on our Savior to secure the house and restore the damage we have already inflicted.

What would this look like in amazing, animated technicolor? I would imagine it would come in the form of a kind-faced, overall-ed exterminator that would wipe that smug little mousey smirk right off that punk face.

Long live Tom!!

So, who do YOU root for? Leave your thoughts

Chapter 39- Puchica!

Well, I am back to work and on break right now, so I decided to write my last blog from El Salvador. I didnt get a chance to write any on Sunday cause everything was a flurry of activity and then we were gone. Kind of like a ninja. Yesterday I needed some recharge time and wasnt quite in the mental space to recount everything. So here I am.

I am missing everything already. Its kind of weird to be back. The roads are a lot less bumpy here and its not as humid, but its almost sad getting back to life. I may not be able to tell the perspective change right away but I know that God has made me a new person through this trip and am excited about what that new person will bring to life.

As I said, Sunday was a little chaotic. I was singing for service and also giving the preteens and teens' lesson. That morning I was trying to get out early to get suplies cause I was doing some science experiments with the kids, but Mario was running a little late so I had to go straight to the church and send some other people for the supplies. That turned out to be something straight from a sitcom. I was asking for diet coke and mentos to do the geyser trick for the kids. The first time they brought back regular coke and some generic mints because I forgot that in spanish mints are called mentos. Well, apparently they dont have mentos down there which was odd because its a latin candy.Sso I experimented with icebreakers mints and some coke zero and it looked like it was going to work but I still needed diet coke. I sent them out again and they brought back Coke zero. I decided to give it one last try and Jonathan talked to another guy and made sure he knew it was DIET coke. He brought back another 2 liter of regular. So in the end I scrapped that experiment, but it was fine because the other 2 experiments turned out to be just the right amount of time. I later found out that the confusion arose from the fact that down there diet coke was called coke lite. Next time...

Then there was a little bit of a problem with the track for the song. Juan had to convert the file so it would play and we didnt know if it would until about 10 minutes before service. Anyway, it turned out great. I was really happy to sing for them and to them in their native language. I think I did a pretty good job with the spanish.

They took up their special contribution and it was amazing to see. Even the little ninos and ninas brought their little envelopes to put in the basket. And to see people like Inez and other poor families giving as well was humbling and inspiring. It reminded me of the woman with two denarii.

It was an honor and a joy to be able to teach the teens and preteens. I spoke about how amazing God is and opened with the two science experiments and then basically stole a bunch of stuff from Louie Giglio's How Great is Our God series, which, if any of you know it, you know how powerful that is. I talked about how God is a ginormous (Carla coudln't translate that) and powerful God. I told them about waves and that I had a little difficulty with them, which Carla took the liberty to expound upon without my permission, and how He makes volcanoes and stars just to show how powerful and ginormous He is. And yet with all these amazing creations His favorite creation is us. He knows all the stars by name and He knows each of us by name and He desires to have a relationship with us. And this amazing creator God came down to earth and became a man and He died in order for us to have that relationship. Then we gave them shirts designed by Sara that said "You're a Shining Star no matter who you are" with Phil 2:15 below that. And I gave them cars to build donated from Mad Science. The kids loved it and were very involved in the talk. One little boy told me (through Carla) that he did an experiment once where he mixed hydrogen peroxide and acetone together and lit it on fire. I told Carla to make sure she tells him not to play with fire. Sheesh!

After church it was a flurry of saying goodbye to people and people giving us cards and such and taking pictures. We all got to put our hand prints next to the commemoration on the mural and take pictures. We then had a little time to eat before we left so Mario took us to a Brazilian place, the kind that just keeps on bringing meat until we're stuffed like Thanksgiving turkeys. PUCHICA, it was good! Erick met a new friend and it was hard to tear him away from conversation.

After lunch it was time to go and we headed to the airport. We got there and got a call from JP telling us the police stopped him with our luggage and interrogated him. Apparently a lone man with a bunch of luggage is a little suspicious. But the luggage got there okay and we boarded fine. The flight was good despite the suspicious mist flying overhead. I did not understand it. But I'm here now so it doesn't matter.

I am a full man right now. I feel like I am full without a clue where to empty myself. So my prayer now is to continue emptying myself into the ministry here and people here. This trip really illustrated to me that we empty ourselves to be filled up with the love of Christ. I am so grateful and dumbfounded that He was able to use a lot of the talent He has given me to serve others and Him. I can't wait to sare with everyone, although with most people I don't even know where to start. What do you say after a trip like that when someone asks "How was your trip?" Maybe I'll just tell them to read my blog.

I have already decided that I want to go back, but whatever God's plan is for my next adventure I open wide my arms and say "Bring it on!"

Chapter 32- Adventures of a Gringo

Yes, miracles of miracles I am blogging and from El Salvador no less. I couldn't let the opportunity pass to fill you on one of the grandest adventures yet. I mean, my blog is called "In Search of a Story" and this qualifies as quite the story, si?

I've only been here two days and already this trip seems full. We got in yesterday at 7:40AM after taking a red-eye flight and everyone was delirious with exhaustion. We went to our host homes and napped and then Mario our host took Erick and I out "on the town" for some ridiculously good sushi then down to a beach town to see fireworks, eat ceviche, watch some UFC and sit by some of the most incredible waves I've ever seen. I learned that El Salvador has one of the top ten beaches for surfing. So last night really felt more like a vacation than a mission. But it was much need to recharge and be ready to give this morning.

Erick and I woke up and had an amazing breakfast prepared for us by Carmen, Mario's in house maid (we are staying with one of the more wealthy brothers). Huevos and frijoles con queso with steamed milk kinda like hot horchata and Salvadoran tortillas. We headed to service and were bombarded with love and welcome from all the brothers and sisters. I was a little overwhelmed and forgot any Spanish I knew and just nodded and smiled. The music was amazing. I sat there with a big grin on my face as they sang some familiar tunes in spanish and some new ones as well. I didn't understand everything but the heart was golden. Jay preached a powerful message on what true freedom is and how we have to come to terms with how helpless we are to fully experience freedom. Afterward we had some time of fellowship. I did the best I could with what little spanish I know. I said "Mucho gusto" a lot.

After church we went to eat some amazing steak and then headed out to visit some of the poor families in the church. The first was Inez who is battling cancer right now. The joy that her and her family has is remarkable and humbling. They all live in a tiny space yet they opened up their home and treated us with such amazing hospitality. We got to give them clothes and also let Ynez know that the Turning Point family is providing for her to continue radiation treatment for her cancer. She was so moved and grateful for the generosity and how God has blessed her. One thing she said was "Even though I am sick, I know God is making me perfect."

Next we visited Christian and Noemi and their family. They have been Christians for a little over a year and also live in humble circumstances. Christian shared with us how he was brought out to church. He was so touched that we would take the time to come visit him. I asked him what his favorite scripture was and he said Revelation 3: something about "the time is now and those who have ears let them hear." He said we need to hear with the ears of our heart and not our head. He mentioned the scripture in Revelation about "I stand at the door and knock" and how we need to close the doors to what is bad and start opening the doors to the good.

The last home we visited was William and Gloribel. It was truly third world living conditions, yet the joy was so apparent on their faces. William even shared his favorite scripture from proverbs about how God knows exactly how much to give us so we don't struggle. That was so powerful considering where we were standing. Their shower and kitchen were outside. They basically cook on top of corrugated metal. Their kids are adorable. Steven is a character and definitely likes the spotlight. I felt I identified with him a lot. Emily is just too cute for her own good.

All of these families we got to give clothes and other things to and also pray for them. It was very moving and I'm still processing it all, but I am already feeling more connected and convicted about continuing to help my family here.

I have to admit, I had some feelings of insecurity mostly due to the language barrier. It was hard to connect sometimes and I felt helpless. I am a very performance oriented individual so I wanted to do something and not knowing exactly what was very frustrating. What was tough for me to wrap my mind around was that I could be encouraging and beneficial by just being there. There was so much gratitude for us just being present and it was quite humbling to experience that. It's also amazing to know that I represent something much larger than myself. I represent the love of a family 6,000 miles away and am just a vessel, a symbol if you will, for that love and God's love here in El Salvador.

The people are just incredible here and I can't wait to get to know them more and more. Tomorrow we are going to a coffee plantation which is very exciting for me being a master of coffee and all. There is so much more I could write but then it'd be a book. I am looking forward to the impact God is going to make using us here. It's just beginning.

Chapter 31: Worst. Blogger. Ever.

Presently, I am sitting back, feet up, fan on, listening to KCRW streaming Nic Harcourt with the first sigh of relief I've had in months upon my lips. Three months. And I feel quite literally that I haven't had a single moment to spare even to celebrate my birthday let alone writing this blog. Regardless, it has been an incredible summer. Not quite over and the real sigh of relief will come in two weeks after the singles conference. I updated my Facebook status the other day saying "I cannot wait for the month of September. That will be my nap time." But for now I can relax for the moment.



What I began earlier in the year had certainly taken on a life of its own. I feel like God has taken everything into consideration, tossed it in a blender and waited to see what floated to the top. Things got really busy for me for a while (and remain so for a little bit longer.) Summer is usually like that. To start I have two jobs and then of course church and my ministry duties in music and in preteens. Then add to that TWO camps this year instead of one (more an that later), planning entertainment for the singles conference, rehearsing for the play for the conference, acting class, voice-over class, helping to create and shoot a webseries and recording the theme song and writing, recording, directing and acting for our singles music video this year which we finished shooting today, thus the sigh of relief. The video in of itself would have been enough and has hit its share of snags and currently is facing yet another. But God is good and He will come through.



I have this feeling of "be careful what you ask for." I have needed to rely constantly on God's power this summer and have faith that He will keep everything according to His will. That has given me so much peace of mind over the last few months. There is soooo much I want to share but one blog will not do it. I hope there are still readers out there. Sorry I have been MIA. I guess this is a little of what I was looking for. I truly feel God has worked His purpose and will through me this summer.



Keep on reading. It gets better...

Chapter 28- Just Take a Compliment Already

Why is it that no matter how many people tell me how talented they think I am and how much they believe in me I just don't believe them? Yet when somebody critiques the work I do, that's the gospel truth? Is everyone else just a bunch of lying-liarpants? The problem with actors, and I imagine with people in general, is we tend to believe the negative perception of ourselves far more than than positive. We can accept the praise graciously, but deep down we just KNOW it can't be true. They've got it wrong. Their view is flawed or their opinion doesn't count for anything because they don't have the fine pallette of artistic taste to give an accurate review (that's meant to be half-sarcastic).


I can't help thinking about those people who audition for American Idol and when asked they say that friends and family say they're amazing and obviously they are not but don't try to tell them that or they'll curse you out and tell you you have no idea what talent looks like. And then they'll storm out of the room and flip everyone off and proceed to make a small fortune off the micro-fame they receive. Delusional. However, maybe they did have people in their lives who actually enjoyed what they had to offer. There has to be some credit in that. If it brings joy to one person then it brings joy to one person.


I guess what I'm saying is thank you for those of you who have supported me and encouraged me and complimented me and continue to do so. I am not exaggerating when I say that I wouldn't be where I am without you. Not that my whole life and trajectory is dependent on what other people say about me. It reminds me of the scripture when Paul says, "Am I here to please men, or to please God?" But the reinforcement helps. Just last night someone commented on how talented I was and it was REALLY hard to just accept the compliment. They also reminded me that when I refuse to believe them not only do I make them a liar, I make God a liar as well.


By the way, this whole season of my life is springing from me taking my acting career seriously. I am doing a workshop with a casting director right now and my emotions are torn. On one hand, it is THE most insightful and helpful workshop I've taken to date. The casting director actually cares that we get what it takes to succeed and that we take away something important from his class whereas most of these workshops its just go in, do a scene, go home. On the other hand, I don't think I'm making an impression on him at all. Which is disappointing because he's a pretty big time casting director and I'd like to be called in by him sometime. From his feedback, I don't get that he's interested in me at all. I mean, one man's opinion, right? Still...

Anyway, on another note, it's helping me to push more in honing my craft. That is definitely a benefit. It's making me aware of some bad habits I have. I'm not as good as I want to be? Great, start learning how to get there. So, I started acting class by the grace of God. Thanks to my roomie who hooked me up with a great teacher and coach to one of my all time favorite actors, Gary Oldman. I know this class is gonna push me and challenge me and I may very well end up in a puddle of my own tears on more than one occasion. But nothing worth achieving ever comes without a little blood, sweat and tears.

I'll tell you what I'm REALLY looking forward to.... Yosemite, next weekend. Ahhhhhhhh....
OH!! And series finale of LOST tomorrow night! WOOOOT!