Tonight I will attempt to make a positive sandwich. You know that technique where you sandwich something negative with two positives? So...
This morning's lesson with the preteens was great. I had the kids play a game and while they were playing I had one girl go around trying to get help with finding her "missing earring." The whole lesson had to do with what I was talking about yesterday about being focused on what we think the great reward is and having to face inconvenience and meet the needs. I think they got a lot out of it.
I am trying hard to digest something right now. I just found out that two of my roommates are moving out. Now, on the outset, that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I just moved myself. But for some reason it hit me in a sensitive place. I am dealing with a lot of emotions right now that are not quite rational. But one thing I know is when we react irrationally to something it usually means there's more to it than meets the eye.
The only word that felt right to me in the moment was "abandoned." Crazy, right? But when I looked deeper there was something there. It took a lot of thought and prayer to make the decision to move here. I felt God wanted to put me in a new situation to help me grow. So when I finally made the decision I felt confident going in and ready to adapt and settle in. A month later my roommate moves out and now I find that two others are moving out. What I'm tempted to feel is this wasn't the right decision afterall. If everyone else is bailing something ain't right. It's a bit like joining your friends in the hot tub and right after you get in they decide to get out.
I know mentally not to take it personally, but to tell you honestly with all the other changes going on in my life right now I just don't want to handle any more. I don't want to deal with figuring out a new household dynamic. I was hoping that there would be some stabilizing factor in my life while I deal with everything else. It's overwhelming. And I can feel myself shutting down and checking out. I can easily go to just giving up cause that's what it SEEMS like everyone else is doing. Again, a lie, but tell it to my heart. My interpretation is "FAILURE." And that resonates to a deep pain in my heart.
Fortunately, I have people, even my other roommates who won't let me give in to those lies. The other thing I am grateful for is understanding the significance in what I'm feeling. It tells me that living in a close household that is helping each other and in turn helping God means a lot to me. I'm not just sharing a space with other people in between work and sleep.
So there it is. I may not think its fair, but there it is to deal with anyway.
In other news, the Oscars were great and inspiring and made me realize that part of what I want is to push the boundaries of what I believe I am capable of just to see if I can and to make an impact on people with what I have to offer. The greatest stories come from the things that work out against all odds.
God is still God, and I am still the mess that needs Him.
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