Chapter 47- Hello Again... Again.

Time to crack open this dusty tome again. 

I am heading into a new venture this year and I thought it might be a good idea to blog again to exercise my brain and brush up my skills. And also to document the process of this new project (more on that later). As I logged into the blog, I found this draft I had started back in 2015 that had not been posted yet. I thought it mildly appropriate to include this in this post:

Fits and starts. That is a pretty accurate description of my life. I definitely know what it looks like to start something. I have been fortunate to finish some of those things. However, it's with the fits that I most identify. As in the ones that that I throw when something is just too frustrating to deal with. They may not manifest in physical outbursts, but I can assure you when I feel that things aren't going my way, inside my head I am all flailing arms and legs and spit and slobber.

Even now, as I sit and wonder what it is I want to say, I feel the frustration creep up and the temptation to throw up my hands and say "Nope!"

Consistency is not a strength of mine. It's been 5 years [now 7 years] since I started this blog. My hope was to chronicle the peaks and valleys of my journey. It kind of fizzled after the first 6 months. To be honest, it was not unexpected. I've recognized this pattern in my life and feared it when I started. But the thing is, looking back, I don't regret having started it. I've had the best intentions of getting back in the saddle over the years and even tried to pick up again. I have asked myself why is it so difficult to stay the course.There are many answers. Disappointment, painful seasons, lack of character [starting families]... The truth is its difficult to stay the course in any endeavor. There are so many things in this life that knock us off course. So many distractions. I know I am not the only one with this struggle.

Those words still ring true for me. My sentiments have not changed much over the past couple of years. However, I think the thing that has changed is my surrender.

Life is a series of surrenders.

There are battles I fight on a daily basis. And as I go from one battle front to the next I put up the white flag every day and most of the time I learn something new about God. Or relearn some lessons from battles I just can't seem to stop fighting.

There is a quote that I came across the other day reading one of my new favorite authors, Brandon Sanderson (no it's not because he has the same name as me). It's from a book called The Way of Kings. Fantastic fantasy fiction! I highly recommend it! It reads:

"No accomplishment has substance nearly as great as the road used to achieve it. We are not creatures of destinations. It is the journey that shapes us."

That is THE reason I started this blog! Because my identity is shaped not by my accomplishments but who I am made into through pursuing them!

I am excited to continue writing about my journey. In the coming weeks, I will endeavor to chronicle the process of writing a book with my good friend Seth Jensen.

 Stay tuned for the victories and the failures....

Chapter 46- The Tom and Jerry Show (aka Life)

I was at my favorite coffee shop today and they always have a fun little gimmick to garner tips. I think it is brilliant, by the way, and I fall for it every time. They put two small buckets in front of the register and post above them two choices and you drop your tip into your vote. For example, one will be DC and the other Marvel, Star Wars vs. Star Trek, Booberry vs. Frankenberry. You get the picture.

Today the choices were Tom vs. Jerry. Now, this has been quite the debate among scholars for decades with valid and poignant arguments on both sides. I'd like to throw my hat into the ring and offer up my valid and poignant argument:

I think Jerry is a little punk!

I know there are many who agree with me in my assessment, but let me elaborate and tell you why...

Tom is a cat. He is a predator. He holds rank at the top of his respective food chain. He shares a bloodline with such noble creatures as lions, tigers and (a personal favorite) jaguars. These beasts are created by God to hunt and they do it well.

Jerry is vermin. He is the prey. He is disease ridden and steals food. HE STEALS FOOD! Ain't nobody gonna steal my food and go unpunished. Yet many people seem sympathetic to "poor Jerry's" plight? What is that?

I lived in a house a while back that had a mess of stray cats basically living under it. We would have seasons of new litters being born under the house and with a each season a new wave of strays to roam the neighborhood. I'm sure it was scandalous in the house pet world. BUT did we have vermin? I can assure you we did not! ( I will say that the cats were ousted later on my a family of raccoons, but that is another story).

What I am saying is that Tom is simply doing what he was created for; what nature has deemed proper and right.

JERRY, on the other hand, is a manipulative, abusive little punk!! He's an instigator and I do not abide instigators.

Now I am aware that this argument has cropped up before. There is a "Leave Tom Alone!" camp. I would like to outline the spiritual significance of this observation.

Let me first point out that Tom belongs. He is the chosen pet. He is meant to be in that house. Jerry, on the other hand, is a pest that lives in the walls. He is certainly not wanted. He is throwing off the equilibrium of the household. Are we beginning to see the correlation here?

If we use Tom as an allegory for our lives and the home as our home on earth, we can then assume then that Jerry is the embodiment of evil that comes to harass and torment us and push into doing some really stupid things.

Yes, Jerry is Satan. I can't think of a better character that personifies the antagonistic nature of our Enemy while garnering the sympathies of the masses. He is an invader in our home and try as we might to live a normal, quiet, God-fearing life, we are continually taunted and tricked by this incessant vermin.

                                                            

Tom's nature as a cat is to eliminate this pest. Yet try as he might, the slippery rodent eludes him and turns his efforts against him resulting in some serious anvil-on-the-head kind of pain. In the same way, we live in a world that is ruled in much the same way that Jerry "rules" Tom's home. The Enemy instigates and antagonizes and prompts reactions from us and left to our own power we respond as we are designed to: we lash out in order to protect what we hold sacred because THAT IS WHAT WE ARE DESIGNED TO DO. However, we let our anger get the best of us and eventually we look around and see that the house we were trying to protect is categorically demolished from floor rug to ceiling fan leaving the Master of the House no choice but to render the consequences for our OWN actions.

Fortunately for us, we have something that Tom does not. We have Jesus. We have an example of what it looks like to direct our God-given nature to protect in healthy and loving ways. Instead of bringing the house down around our ears, destroying relationships, causing pain to ourselves, we can rely on our Savior to secure the house and restore the damage we have already inflicted.

What would this look like in amazing, animated technicolor? I would imagine it would come in the form of a kind-faced, overall-ed exterminator that would wipe that smug little mousey smirk right off that punk face.

Long live Tom!!

So, who do YOU root for? Leave your thoughts

Chapter 45: The Role of a Lifetime

 “Babe, look at this audition I just got!” It took all of my acting skill to play it cool as I stood there reading the words I had written in an email on her phone. The plan was in full swing. After about a month of planning, this was the end game. It had to epic. Nothing less for the love of my life. This was a once in a lifetime moment and I wanted it to mean the world to her.

Michelle and I share many passions and among them a love for the stage and film. In a large part, its what was responsible for making us the romantics (some would say hopeless)we both are. We both imagined ourselves being caught up in some cinematic romance, but in truth, the years of singlehood and heartache had left us disillusioned and wondering if there there really could be magic in love or if Hollywood was just playing us for fools. But God restored those hopes and dreams when we met each other and it was better than either of us imagined. So, of course when it came time to propose I wanted to make that movie magic come to life.

We are both actors and so I came up with a scheme to send her on a fake audition. I came up with a project and a role that I knew she wouldn't be able to resist. It was an independent movie entitled “Treasured” and she played a history teacher turned adventurer on the search for the Garden of Eden. It was a cross between Indiana Jones and National Treasure. I wrote out the breakdown and, with the help of a friend, wrote the sides(script) and made up a fake production company called Next Chapter Films, which also had a special meaning to us. I sent it to her agent and she called her up and told her that she had an audition for her. I asked a few old actor friends of mine to help out and play the director and crew and they were more than happy to oblige. I rented a theater that would be the location for the audition and also asked some musician friends of mine to provide the music for the moment.

After a week of prepping herself for the audition, and me nervously working out the details, Friday came around and she arrived at the theater impeccably on time which any other time I love her for but it definitely put the fire under our friends who were finishing the decorating. I took my place behind the curtain backstage. In the lobby another “actor” was preparing but a mysterious coughing fit came on her and she told Michelle to go ahead and go in before her. She walked in and was greeted by the “director” and the person reading with her. They explained away the hanging lights and decorations as a production that happened to be going on in the space. The camera was set up to record her audition, she slated her name and dove into the first sides. She finished and went to the next scene which was all about finally finding the treasure she was seeking all her life. The second time through was where my entrance came in.

One of the little quirks we have in our relationship is that when one of us forgets what we were going to say the other one quotes a line from “10 Things I Hate About You”. In the script, I had written in a line for her that said “I don't know what I'm trying to say.” At that moment I parted the curtains and walked in saying “You love me? You can't live without me? Oh baby, oh baby?” The lights went down, the Christmas lights above came up along with a spot light underneath the paper lantern moon she was standing beneath and the jazz trio backstage began playing “Fly Me to the Moon.” She froze. As I came around and faced her I reached my hand out and to turn her toward me. She was uncharacteristically speechless as a smile started spreading across her face.

“Take a look around. This is all for you.” I said. “The name of the movie is Treasured. You are my treasure.”

I said a couple more things and then told her I was trying to think of something to get her for Christmas and remembered how much she liked the moon. She followed my gaze up to the paper moon hanging above us and I started quoting one of her favorite movies “It's a Wonderful Life.” You know the one: “You want the moon? Etc...” As I said the line, the moon slowly lowered and I reached in and pulled out a small treasure box. My mind was racing and my heart was beating hard and I looked at her to say her name... and mixed up her middle and last name. I quickly covered saying “I haven't learned my lines yet.” Then I got to one knee, got her name right and ask her “Will you marry me?”

Still speechless and hands covering her mouth, she emphatically nodded yes. I gave her a huge hug and took the ring out and told her that the ring was special as well. “This may not be exactly your style,” I said, “but it symbolizes 53 years of marriage... this is your grandmother's ring.” That's about when the waterworks really started flowing. I put the ring on her finger and our friends hiding backstage and in the wings came out cheering. After she caught her breath, she looked at the director and asked “So, do I get the part?” She did indeed.

Wanna see it? Proposal Video

Chapter 44- Produced by God

"My power works best in weakness."

The scriptures are to me like the focus on a camera. When something you are capturing in the lens is out of focus, you know something is there and may even be able to make out most of the details. But once you turn that focusing ring and everything comes into clear contrast you have a perfect picture of what you are trying to capture.

In the same way, we can look at scripture and get the gist, know its true, even see how it applies in certain situations in others lives. But when God turns the focus ring on it in the circumstances of your life, he brings it into clear contrast and all of a sudden scripture comes to life and the power of God is SO obvious its almost overwhelming. He has brought 2 Corinthians 12:10 in to stark contrast for me this weekend.

God has fanned the flames of a passion that has been on my heart for quite some time now. One that I have written about in past blog posts and that is in need of future posts soon. For now I will tell you that I am investing my time and heart in the entertainment field and filmmaking and am taking the first steps in making that dream a reality. One of those steps presented itself in the form of an opportunity to help produce a project for my home church, Turning Point. A great friend and brother was asked to shoot the life stories of individuals who have given their lives to Jesus and he trusted me enough to allow me to come along beside him to create the short films. I was excited to take on the responsibility but aware that I had much to learn.

There's nothing like trial by fire. I like throwing myself into something and learning along the way. I felt God was asking me to "Go in the strength that you have" (Judges 6:14). However, along with that comes some very real challenges. I had made several films before this, but on a much smaller scale and a budget of practically nothing. So, this was a completely different caliber of project. It was definitely a lesson in what I didn't know I didn't know. It was also a lesson of putting my trust completely in God with this project. There were many obstacles of which getting over looked bleak at best. But God is a God of the improbable and the impossible. I'd like to recount some of the small miracles I witnessed God overcome for me.

First was the studio. Looking around I quickly realized that renting studio space was quite expensive. Also, things were getting down to the wire and spaces were quickly getting booked. So I needed the right space for the right price. Fortunately, I ran across an old acquaintance of mine who I still had a good relationship with who ran a studio in North Hollywood and was willing to give us a deal. This was a blessing not only because it included a lot of other needs but because of the location. It was so centrally located to everyone involved which I would find would become a huge bonus in other ways as well. There were some sound issues we had to work around, but I am grateful that we had a place to shoot at all. Not only that, but we had the opportunity to make an impact on the people at the studio. The employees at the studio kept speaking very highly of us and about how much they enjoyed our presence there. In fact, because of their good experience with us, they placed an ad inviting church groups to come and shoot there. I believe this was a testimony to the Spirit being present. Thanks God!

Then there was Thursday. I can't remember a more difficult day as far as work and coordinating in my life. I had so many balls in the air and was certain that at any point I would drop at least one of them. That was a day of relying on God to come through. There were a number of things that still needed to be locked down that were fairly essential for the shot to happen:

There was the camera rental. We needed an additional camera due to one deal falling through so I was scrambling to find a rental last minute. I searched a few different places and no one really had the package that we needed. I thought I had found something on craigslist, but that fell through as well. Finally, I got a hold of a rental company with the best customer service I could ask for. They had EVERYTHING that we needed and charged the same for all of it that another place wanted for just camera and lenses. We got everything rented and insured right in time. Besides that, it was just around the corner from where we were shooting which made some necessary runs we needed to do that much easier. It was the perfect place. On top of THAT, we shared our faith with the guy that rented our equipment and it turns out he's been looking for a place to worship. Thanks God!

Then there was the chair. Our director had a specific need and vision for the chair and again we didn't have one that Thursday before the shoot. We scrambled to find one and fortunately I had a wonderful assistant helping me. As she was gathering all the craft service food, she tracked one down the right one. We got the credit card in and reserved that thing 5 minutes before they closed. As far as delivery for it, my awesome roommate was available to bring it to set the following day. Oh, and it was under our budget. And I can't imagine this project without that particular chair. (We also got a sweet furry pillow)Thanks God!

Then there was the makeup. This one blows my mind a little. I had not fully understood the importance of really good makeup on this shoot and at 7pm I called our director and told him we still didn't have one. Well, that was not an option, so he made some calls and put me in touch with someone. Melanie got back to me and I explained the situation that we needed a makeup artist the next day. I also explained that we were non profit and had a very limited budget. She was available but as a professional, the money we were offering was peanuts. She brought her quote down a little but it was way out of our budget. I left a message with her letting her know that we were a church production and we just didn't have any money but asked if she would direct us to someone who would be interested. She texted back and agreed to do the job. However, she could only do the first half of the day. That left the second half. That's where my amazing girlfriend came in. It was kind of a fluke that I saw her that night, but as I mentioned what I was looking for, she mentioned that one of the young Christians in our group did makeup. She only knew this from a few days before which was why it was fresh on her mind. She also happened to be one of the talent the following day. Turns out she was free and willing to help us out. She was great and it was her first time doing on-camera makeup. She was so great that our director asked her back the second day to help us which made things flow so much better. I also have to give props to our other makeup artist who also donated her time and energy to helping us out. Thanks God!

I was so grateful for God coming through in the 11th hour like that, but He didn't stop performing miracles there. The following day we were taking quite a bit of time setting everything up and kept having to run back and forth to get supplies and rent other equipment (thank God for the central location). Our runner had just come back with some essential cables when he discovered that they were the wrong ones. We realized we needed to buy the different ones which was going to cost us about $80. As I was sending him out with petty cash to grab them, an AT&T guy came to the building to inspect something completely unrelated to the shoot. He heard our interaction and as the runner left he mentioned he had some cables in his van. I asked how much and he said $5 each. It would be $60 cheaper than what we were going to pay. I ran out and stopped the runner and the phone guy went to get the cables. And here's the kicker, when I tried to give him the money for them, he just told me to give it to someone in need. God hooked us up with free cables! Thanks God!

Other than that, the weekend was full of the miraculous stories of each individual. The Spirit moved and people shared vulnerably and powerfully. We have such a rich cross-section of people from all backgrounds sharing their testimony. One individual was struggling with back problems and almost wasn't able to make it. God came through and I am so glad we have his and so many others' story. Thanks God!

I cannot begin to thank all the people who donated their time to this project. It would not have happened without their generosity and hard work. Once again, I had a clear vision of how God designed His people to work together. I am sure there are so many other things that I forgot to mention.

God certainly filled the gaps where I was weak. His power was absolutely made perfect in my weakness. It was as if at every turn he was saying "I see your work. I know its tough. That thing you couldn't quite manage to do yourself? Here let me get that. Keep going! You'll catch on! You're doing great!"

God is the best producer in the world!

What are some ways that God has filled in the gaps of YOUR weaknesses?

Chapter 43- The Importance of Ribs

This is the unedited version of the chapter I wrote for Singlehood: Redefined (published by DPI). The chapter explored some thoughts on our relationships with the opposite sex. I hope its helpful to you:

 The last I looked in my local bookstore there were plenty of books on relationships. The problem is most if not all of them seemed to have the same bottom line: how to find “the one”. I don't remember ever seeing a book entitled “How to Just Be Her Friend” and frankly who among us would think to look for that book? I have found that our perspective and insight on how to relate to the opposite sex is widely driven by the fundamental goal of finding our companion. It is a pervasive attitude in the world and it is a pervasive mentality in a singles ministry. I had a friend who shared with me once that after every date with someone new she would come back and pronounce to her roommates “Well, it wasn't a love connection.” I myself am guilty of mentally attaching my last name to sisters I barely know or just met. And indeed we can feel guilt or embarrassment over this line of thinking. There is a great deal of confusion over how to interact in our friendships with the opposite sex shaped in part by the world and also our own church culture.

Fortunately, because we are made new in Christ, we have the opportunity and the privilege of redefining what those relationships look like. We can appreciate the nuances and celebrate our differences instead of being frustrated by them and resigning ourselves to just never being understood or able to understand each other. Our friendships have the opportunity to have richer meaning and become more valuable to us than anything the world has to offer. His ultimate goal is to restore our relationship with Him. Each one of our relationships is training ground for drawing closer to Him and our life as a single adult has its own unique lessons that God wants to teach us.

The first step we must take is gaining a clear understanding of how God designed us individually and relationally. Genesis 2:15 says “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Then in verse 18 it goes on to say “...It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” It's clear from these verses that God designed man and woman to be complimentary to each other in order to fully realize their humanity. We are drawn to each other because God created us to need each other. That is important to note because as long as we remain in the singles ministry we must acknowledge that attraction as a fundamental force which influences our relationships. Unfortunately, that model was broken when sin entered the world . We have to deal with ourselves in our fallen state. We are broken and are desperately trying to reconcile ourselves back to each other and God's original design. This broken world and even Hell itself is working hard to separate that which God wants to bless. Fortunately God has made provision for us to be healed from that brokenness. Trusting that God has a reason to foster and develop our relationship with women will open us up to seeing new and exciting things about His personality and being.

French author Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” This sentiment articulates not only romance but the love that Jesus ignites within his body, the church. As Hebrews 12:1 says, we are “surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.” We are engaged in a common pursuit to know God and make his love known and we are not alone. I have found this especially true when I think of my friendships with women. What has made the most difference in cultivating those lasting, meaningful relationships is simply being in the battle with them. Take the opportunity to celebrate your life as a single with each other. That includes sharing in the joys and the hardships (Romans 12:15).

There are a few things that have helped me to build healthy friendships with the women in my life. The first is vulnerability. A friend once said to me “I appreciate hearing what guys think and feel because it connects them to me”. Women are God-designed to nurture and support. When a man can express himself emotionally to a woman it communicates trust and safety and invites them to live within that design. This is exemplified in the way Jesus himself interacted with women. In Luke 10, Mary sits at his feet to listen. He found someone who was eager to hear. While its important to maintain openness in any relationship, women just have that unique aptitude for empathy. They are excellent listeners. As he admonished Martha, Jesus was calling attention to the relational qualities of God. He desires to listen to us and he wants us to spend time with Him.

Something else I feel is essential for building great friendships lies in a core need for men. The need to be needed. When I exercise my God-given responsibility to be a protector and provider, it fulfills me relationally. This can be as simple as a woman asking me to fix something or allowing me to open the door for her or even asking me for advice. Guys, do yourself a favor and make yourself available.

As you explore these elements in your relationships, its also very important to be aware of yourself and establish boundaries. As is the case in any situation, we can let the pendulum swing to the other extreme. In the name of preventing our relationships from being superficial we can overstep some emotional boundaries that hinder us from maintaining healthy relationships. This is due to the mere fact that we are still operating under God's law of attraction. Many times as singles we strive to fulfill needs within our friendships that can only be met within the confines of the marriage relationship. As a result we are left at best with mixed messages and at worst broken hearts. Again, communication is critical. It can be frightening to communicate boundaries because we fear that the friendship we have will diminish. We grow comfortable with whatever dynamic we've established and to introduce boundaries can appear to threaten that comfort. My best, most solid relationships have been strengthened by being real and open with where we are at in our friendship.

And lastly, have fun! Being single has the amazing benefit of a particular freedom which allows us to explore and discover things about God and each other. Take advantage of that. Whatever that may mean to you, whether its dates or group dinners or road trips, go and make memories. “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10 ESV). Have a lot of grace with each other because in the end we are all just working it out and we're in the same battle together.

My friendships with women have taught me and revealed to me aspects of God I could not have clearly seen in my guy friendships. More often than not it has been messy. Feelings have been hurt and, yes, there are some close relationships that have faded due to time and circumstance and space. But is that a bad thing? No, I have come to realize it just is. The question is have I grown because of them? Undoubtedly. This is an important distinction because where the world's perspective treats relationships like articles of clothing, wearing them for a season to suit their needs and then discarding them as they grow out of them, we as Christians know every friendship God puts in our lives has meaning and plays a special role in drawing us closer in our relationship to Him.

Chapter 42 (but really 40.5)- Road closed for repair

I found this blog saved to my drafts. Thought I'd publish it to share where I was a year ago.

I have not touched this blog in over a year. Its funny, when I started this blog I had vision and I knew it would be hard. But you never REALLY know how hard until it threatens to cripple you beyond repair. I am recommitting myself to documenting this journey of mine because I do believe that God is a God of ALL healing and reconciliation and His name will be glorified at the end of this story. I have a lot to tell. The past year has been hell and I have had some victories and some spectacular failures. God is indeed restoring a fighting spirit within me and I praise His name because it is an answered prayer. I am not fully healed. And I am realizing that the fullness of God is only realized when we make our way home to Him. In the meantime, he promises an abundant life. Not a happy life or a life without pain. Living abundantly means a life teeming with all the ups and downs that this life has to offer.

I have been watching The Pacific, the story of the campaign to drive back the tyrannical invasion of the Japanese in WWII. In it, they depict soldiers who fight with everything they have on the front line. They have their own terrible losses and their own terrible victories. The writers and actors portray beautifully the soul wrenching agony of what it means to fight for something bigger than you. And there is nothing more agonizing than being wounded in battle and taken out of the fight. Even after all of the horrors, as incomprehensible as it may seem, all you want to do is get back on the front lines with your fellow soldiers and fight.

NEW ENTRY 2/15/13
I stopped in the middle of this post for some reason or another, but what I was trying to convey was that same feeling of wanting to get back into the fight. I remember about that series that the soldiers who were injured couldn't help but want to get back in it even from their hospitable beds. In much the same way, I needed some major healing, but it did not stop me from wanting to move forward and fight for my faith and do the great things that God had prepared me for. I needed to learn surrender. And that is what last year was about for me. It wasn't just learning it. It was God infusing me with it. I think we constantly learn new things about surrender as we go through life. Its a lesson that bears repeating because we can't help but put our trust in ourselves and stop relying on God. I don't believe we will understand full surrender in this life. But oh the sweet joy when we experience those moments when we do.

Chapter 41- The Parable of the Coffee Table

Oh, hello there old friend. It's been a while hasn't it? There have been many things that have kept me away not the least among them my old pals fear and insecurity whom always tend to slum around together and loiter on the same curb of my soul. It's a difficult thing to take a risk. Its an even more difficult thing to make it known and be seen in your trials and obstacles (which is what I choose to call my failures). My story has taken many unexpected twists and I have not known how to write about them. Truth be told I still do not know how to write about them. I lost the thread along the way and started even to doubt that it was God's hand that was writing it. But God is a God of mercy and restoration and I have known healing and refreshing by His hand. He has reached through the fog and assured me that He hears me, that He knows me and that His pen is still scribbling away in His Book of Life of which I am an integral character. I will do my best to record what I have learned in the past few years of my journey while also sharing what it is I am learning at present. It seems I could speak at length and yet I do not even know where to begin. So let me begin with a story about a coffee table.

I love when God speaks to you through unexpected means. Who knew restoring an old coffee table would imprint such a poignant lesson on my heart? A couple months ago I bought something off the hit and miss treasure trove that is craigslist. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with ole craig, but perhaps more on that later. This particular occasion was a good experience. The kind Russian gentleman opened his storage unit and not only did I get a great deal on the item I was looking for but he offered anything else in the unit that may have caught my eye. The first was a globe which I got for a good friend of mine who enjoys traveling the world and the second was a well used coffee table made of sturdy oak. I think it may have been a dining room table converted to a coffee table but nevertheless it was decent looking and I knew we were in need of a coffee table and the guy offered it for $20. Can't beat that. I also thought it would be a great side project for me as I have recently found myself with a lot of free time on my hands (again, more on that later). So we grabbed it and hauled it to my car. It was pretty massive and along the way the side panels kind of tore off and proceeded to fall on my shin and then into my car where it left a nice dent. The thing definitely needed an overhaul.

I began work shortly after and toward the middle of the project it started to dawn on me how much I had in common with this table.  I started to feel as if God was in much the same way restoring me. God saw me and He recognized the value in me. In much the same way I did, He said "That has value! I can see the potential  in him. I have a vision for him and have the perfect place to put him. However, he's not ready to go there yet. He needs a little work first."

The first thing that had to go was the old stain and finish. It was beat up, scuffed, had coffee stains on it. And it wasn't as if I could just paint some new stain over the old. Nope, it would take work to strip the old finish off. I started to think about that stain. This table was a finished product. It had a use and I bet it performed that use well. It probably looked more than decent in its prime. This resonated with me and how I relate to myself, my identity. For years I have associated myself in a particular way. Who I was was defined by my habits, my goals, my passions. My experience developed a particular patina if you will for those familiar with woodwork. It was in essence my stain. A stain had seeped deep into the cracks of  by being. Something that just was. This was just who I was. For better or for worse, this is what I had become. Which may or may not have been a bad thing, but I kept getting the distinct impression that it wasn't all there was about me. However, God makes all things new and its never too late to let Him transform you. But first he must remove the old stain.

I must mention that this whole process was way more involved than I thought it was going to be. I thought, "Sure, I'll just sand it down and put some more stain on it and we're good to go." Then I started looking up the DIYs online and saw it was gonna take a little more work than that. So I grabbed a power sander and sanded off the original finish and stain to get down to the raw, natural wood. Spiritually I could relate as I have been through my own "sanding" and left feeling raw. when God wants to work something out in your life it tends not to be comfortable (Heb 12:11). Within the past couple of years I have had my heart and my dreams shattered. It has not been a fun process. I felt as if things I prayed for and hoped in for a long time were swept away from me. That part of myself or even the whole of myself was being dismantled, deconstructed, stripped down to the raw.

However, that was just the beginning of it. I discovered that you don't just sand something once and then its ready for a new stain. You must sand it again with a finer grain of sand paper so that you smooth out the rough edges. After that, you run your hand over it and say "Yeah ,now that's smooth." But, no, you don't really know what smooth is yet. You go over it again with even finer sand paper. Aren't we guilty of that in our lives? We think "Man, that was rough. But I've endured and persevered and now I'm ready to move forward." And sure enough, something else comes along that refines us even further. And then something else and something else until we're left screaming at God "When will this stop?!" One big lesson that I've learned is that God is not concerned with our comfort. He is concerned with our character. But He does love us and he will do what it takes to really get us smooth and ready for what comes next.

And this is where the stain comes in. Now a good stain will bring to life the natural grains of the wood. It highlights them. Accentuates the natural beauty. Think about that. It augments the glory that is already there. God is an artist and he is always working to make beautiful the things he has created. The piece is just about to be placed where I had envisioned it but first it needs the finish applied which will protect it. We are His "masterpiece created in Christ Jesus to do good works" Eph 2:10. You better believe that He is going to to take his time to fine tune you. Because we will never be done until the last brush stroke, the final chisel when we are with Him in paradise and He embraces us, His favorite creations and says "You have trusted me to build you into the creation I have intended and fulfilled the purpose that I had for you. Well done, good and faithful servant."

The table looks much different than it did before, and in my opinion much better. And that gives me hope because I choose to believe that God is making me into something new that is way better than what I had in mind for myself. To God be the glory